December 22, 2013 Leave a comment
Your performance in prior years has always met the relevant tests of audit, so we know we can count on you again this year. Not even inquiries by the I.R.S. and S.E.C. can slow the speed of your sleigh as you gear up for another chimney-dropping trip.
As you know all too well, some kids have significant capital gains in their portfolios due to this year’s stock market recovery. Please bring these kids some offsetting losses to help with their potentially hefty tax bills.
Other kids still need to meet ambitious sales goals for the year. Bring these kids tons of new customer orders that can be shipped by year-end. If the elves could staff 3rd shift at some warehouses in Mexico between Christmas and New Year’s Day, that would be huge.
Another group of tots has already crushed their 2013 operating profit goals and maxed incentive potential. Help these kids pull some expenses into 2013 by putting some invoices with 2013 dates under the tree this year.
Some little boys and girls are S-Corp owners whose businesses have prospered this year. These kids get really nasty when they have to pay the taxes, so PLEASE bring these kids some tax deductions. Not to be too greedy, Santa, but tax credits would be even better. As you know from prior years, they make great stocking stuffers.
Rather tragically, some kids find themselves at a “use it or lose it” point with their expense budgets. Please supply these kids with invoices for your services. Invoices should be dated 12/25/13 with 5%, net 120 day terms in order to make their Controllers and CFOs feel good. Because you are the ever-benevolent St. Nick, they are confident that you will issue credit memos in full during 2014.
As you know, the laments of children pull hard at the heartstrings, as less fortunate kids struggle to meet profit targets. Please help them meet minimum incentive plan thresholds by re-routing legitimate 2013 vendor invoices to an obscure North Pole P.O. Box address of your choosing. Hang on to these bills and deliver them sometime in February if you think of it.
And I know this one is an awful lot to ask, Santa, but there are some good little children who receive greater compensation if their balance sheets are clean at year-end. Please help their cause, Mr. Claus, by ensuring that inbound vendor shipments are in-transit FOB destination at year-end. Providing sufficient offsite storage would make this Christmas the best ever.
Finally, and I know you can relate to this one, some of the little cherubs who so revere you have stock options that have been underwater for years. Please deliver a year-end spike in value that makes their dreams come true. It would be especially excellent if you could time it for about noon on 12-29-13 with reminder emails and trade confirmations.
Oops, I lied. There really is just one more thing. Kids have been working really hard all year and are very tired. Please put some bags of sand in your sleigh as you head out on Christmas Eve. It will help kids everywhere set goals they know they can beat next year.
May all of the joys and blessings of the Season be with you and Mrs. Claus as you help others to achieve their year-end goals…and remember always that Bruce Springsteen & the Big Man know that Santa Claus is Coming to Town!